Lately there have been a lot of things happen that have led to the current subject line. Life in the country is hard sometimes really, really hard. I don't think it all started with finding scorpions, but it definitely didn't help.
It's an accumulation of seeing many sad things and seeing death in nature. And I think my hormones have something to do with it..ha!
Nature is so beautiful, but it's also beautifully cruel. One must die so another can live. The scorpions kill the spiders, the spiders kill the insects.. The yellow jackets who have built several nests on our house lately eat the spiders and insects too, I think.. They also drink the nectar of flowers.. But where is the beauty in what I just described?
Speaking of nectar and beauty, I have to mention the hummingbird. The hummingbirds are so beautiful and lately I've been obsessed with them. We have had 3 die at our house since we have been feeding them. They are so delicate and so beautiful. I have moved my feeders three times because I've seen 2 fly into the big, glass windows at my house and die. I've also witnessed the near death experience of one who was stunned and then after 20 minutes of regaining composure, he flew away and I breathed a big heavy sigh of relief.
The other one I found just today and his head was missing.. I think the weapon that killed him was not our window, but instead big claws and paws of a feline species. Maybe I won't get an outdoor cat after all..
Last week I found a dead fawn in a 4-foot hole that was dug to put in a fence post that was never put in. I just cried and cried and cried and cried.. A deep sadness set in my bones and I just couldn't shake the gloominess. My empathy had crossed the line of maybe the point of no return because I just could not stop the tears.. and it poured over into many areas of my life. I wasn't happy with my secluded life in the country.
I felt like that deer, trapped and stuck and couldn't find my way out. Then the guilt game started and I wondered why I couldn't have found it sooner and I might have saved it from it's ruthless demise. But I was too late and I was too late.. Where was the redemption? Where was the beauty in that?
Then I thought about the dead hummingbird. I was/am desperately trying to find my happiness here in the country, and then as soon as I saw a blaze of vivid beauty and hope burning bright, it fluttered, flickered and died.
Where is the peace when the mind is filled with dreary things?
