Lately things have been a little stressful around here. I still don't have a job and I STILL live out in the country in the Shuler compound. I've been focusing so much on applying for jobs and trying to get interviews that it has consumed me. I've also been focusing on this human being growing inside me and I wonder what it's going to be like when she is born. Will I be a good mom? Will we be able to provide her a room of her own one day? Will I be able to handle my world being completely being turned upside down? Will my house ever be finished? Will I ever be happy out here in the country? So many questions.. yet so few answers.
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing sight of this person I know myself to be. My world has already been turned upside down living here in the country. I NEVER in a million years dreamed I would be living out here with the scorpions and critters and 14 miles to the nearest grocery store. Everything is the opposite of what I wanted or envisioned for myself. I chose this man I love (or rather God chose him for me) and he came with a tractor, land, a family only .2 miles away from us. And I'm still figuring out how to be married and to fit in and deal with a life I never got to choose for myself. I know I could have chosen not to marry him, but I couldn't see my life without him. So really I had no choice.
I've been stressing about having no choice but to live out here with all of his family and never-ending projects they have and it has made me a little bitter. And my bitterness has turned to rage and my rage has turned to tears. And I struggle with this non-choice and with my life the way it has turned out. One time driving back into town from being gone for a weekend, I actually cried my eyes out when I saw the green sign reminding me I'm back in this town. I yelled out to God, "Is this REALLY MY LIFE?!"
People say that life is what you make of it. Sometimes I think life is NOT what you make of it. Life happens. Life is.....I know you have to make your choices, but what about the choices that make you or you never got to make? What about the choices you have tried to make and then realized God has made them for you??
What if we always spend so much time trying to make life happen and we miss out on the pain and the beauty and the lessons we learn along the way? I've been so focused on my sadness, loneliness, bitterness, and finding a job, that I can't see anything else. I'm so focused on my future that I can't look at the present and realize that every day is a gift.
But I do look forward to the day where I can look back at all this and say, "Remember when I was so miserable that I almost missed out on that really awesome thing that happened?!"
