Today was the worst Valentine's Day ever. I will now forever have a painful reminder that this was the day I lost my most beautiful, precious girl - Luna Bella De la Joya Allen Shuler (Luna Belle). I remember the day I got her when I was about 27. I had just gone through a terrible breakup and I decided I needed a dog. I have been a dog lover for just about as long as I can remember. I drove to Godly, Texas from Brownwood because there were some schnauzer puppies for sale.
I met my Aunt Nonnie and cousin Savannah in Brownwood and we drove my PawPaw's red truck there. When I saw the puppy, he wanted nothing to do with me and I was devastated. So we drove back to my grandmother's house, and I just thought I wouldn't be getting a dog yet.
Savannah happened to see an ad in the paper where they had mini-schnauzers for sale in Lake Brownwood. We made a trip to this lady's house and she had two schnauzers left. One was all white and had cropped ears (Luna) and the other was a chocolate brown color, but he was very chill. I felt an instant bond with Luna and she came right up to me and licked me - it was a match made in heaven. When I went to the truck to get my checkbook, she cried for me. I remember putting her in a kennel in the backseat. She was stunning with her cropped ears and her beautiful white fur. Her favorite place was sitting on my lap, or taking a walk with me, or just following me around everywhere.
She was a stunner, a head turner. Everywhere we went people would want to pet her and just marvel at her beauty. That was my Luna. She was my soul mate, my best friend for (almost) 12 years. She was made just for me.
I remember when I was training for my marathon. She would run with me for about 3 miles and I would take her back to our apartment for fear that she would overheat. It was funny because it was actually me who had my first overheating experience and I remember coming back home and throwing up from the heat exhaustion.
When I was crate training her, she destroyed my running watch and ate the band. I got so mad at her that I smacked her and put her in her kennel. Oddly enough, I never remember her getting mad at me. I was a bad parent sometimes. I didn't deserve her.
We would go on long walks together on the weekends and it seems like I could never spend enough time with her. During the work week, I worked a demanding job and there were days when she held her pee for up to 12 hours at a time. She was amazing.
There was one time when I got dumped. I held her and just cried and cried and she would lick my tears away. She was my constant companion and was always there for me. When I lost my first job and my second job, she was there. When I fell in love and got married, she was there. When I had my first human baby, she was there. It was almost like she thought Cambelle was her baby. And she protected her and would bark at her (and later with my second girl - PIppyn) when she would run around the house. I think she was trying to help me be a mom because she could see me struggling with them. She was a better mom than I am.
As I reflect on those amazing times with her and moving on to the next chapter in my life, I'm angry and sad because I want her in this next chapter. The most difficult time is at night when I go to bed and look at the empty bed where she used to lie. There are so many other hard times: when I drop a piece of food on the floor and she isn't there to eat it, when I hurry home to let her out for potty time, and when we go to the cemetery for our long walks and I turn around to call for her and she isn't there. Sometimes I just yell and scream and then cry again and tell God that I want her back. My new normal is just not right.
As I watched her struggling to breathe at the vet, I wished I had time to tell her how wonderful she was and how proud I was of her, how much I loved her. I took her in because she had developed a slight cough over the past week. It was only a few times at night and she didn't seem to be suffering. I brought her in because I remembered that she had a slight heart murmur and a cough was a sign it might be getting worse. She had a teeth cleaning schedule for that same week. As the vet checked her out, he noticed that her murmur was much worse, but he needed to get an x-ray to see if the heart had become enlarged. Often times that happens if the heart isn't working properly. Turns out, her heart was really, really enlarged. Everything that happened when she came out of the x-ray room was a blur. The technician said, "she is having a rough time," or something like that; I can't remember. The vet checked her heart and she was lifting up her head trying to breathe. They gave her oxygen for a bit - it didn't seem long enough. Then after that, she was still struggling. I've never seen her look like that. Ever. One of her eyes was rolling back in her head like she was losing consciousness. He asked me if she had ever had a seizure and I said no, is she having one? He said that he thought she just couldn't breathe. She was starting to lose oxygen and I just knew in my heart that she would die soon.
And then I watched as he tried to revive her heart as he injected her heart with epinephrine and breathed into her mouth. It didn't work. She was gone. Just like that. We had almost 12 amazing years together and in an instant she was gone. I crumbled to the ground and sobbed; I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know how I was going to live without her. Sometimes I still don't know how I'm going to go on. And God reminds me to keep my eyes on Him. Isaiah 26:3 - You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." That is what I must keep doing. I just have to trust in my God who knows me and loves me better than I know and love myself. I have to keep my eyes locked on Him.
Through this pain and heartache I know that this love I felt for Luna is what I'm living for. It's just a small fraction of the love that God has for me - his child. Relationships hurt, love hurts, but most of all it's the love that sets us free. Is love without pain and heartache really love? I know it's better to have loved and lost - the pain is justified through the beauty in the relationship. The tears are justified. The life is justified. Luna's life is justified. Therefore, true love does not exist without this pain because through pain, it's redeemed. Just like God's love for us was redeemed on the cross. The almost 12 years I had on earth with Luna is just a small iota of the immense love we will experience when our joy is made full. And for that, I'll keep Loving, keep going, keep looking for that which sets me free, that which justifies my existence here on earth.
Love is complicated. Grief hurts and grief sucks. It stings. It pierces the heart of everyone. Like the Everly Brothers so famously sang, "Love hurts, love scars, love wounds." But one thing I'm sure of is that there is no greater joy that comes from loving. God is still good - ALL THE TIME. Thank you Lord for my sweet, treasured Luna B. She was perfect and she was mine - for an amazing 12 years.
Luna Bella de la Joya Allen Shuler - born May 18, 2007 - went to her eternal home February 14, 2019.
