Forgiveness

This is something I've been struggling with for several years now. I've learned that forgiveness is something that you never really fully understand, and once you think you have mastered it..it masters you and then you are wrestling with your emotions all over again. Saying you forgive someone is the easier than the actual process.

One reason I forgive

Several years ago I learned something about one of my family members that rocked me to the core. I went through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, sadness and then acceptance (although I'm still working on that last part). I didn't understand how I would ever be able to forgive in this situation. My inability to forgive took a tole on my relationships. I lashed out at my husband and daughter and became a version of myself that I did not recognize. I'd like to say it was my hormones and postpartum depression. But I knew deep down that it was the
internal struggle of forgiveness and my inability to control the world I once knew crashing down on me.

I've always had a strong sense of self, but in this stage of life I have never been more ashamed of myself and who I was becoming. I was saying hateful things to the people I loved. I hit inanimate objects. I even threw a protein shake at my husband.

God taught me quite a bit during this time though and gave me a support system that allowed me to keep my head above water. I got more involved in my church and Sunday School group and I was able to express some of my feelings and learn that several people were struggling with forgiveness too. One guy in the class said something that really spoke to me. He said, "I must continue to forgive; each day it gets easier."

Then I realized that God has forgiven me and has forgiven that person already, so what is my excuse? "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." Colossians 3:12-14.

Fast forward to present time. I'm STILL struggling with forgiveness. Just when I think I've moved forward and moved on, I get a reminder and see a reminder that it's still fresh and the wound is still not completely healed.

I've prayed several times for God to remove that from me so I can completely heal.. but he doesn't. For whatever his reasoning is, it's still there and it still pops up in my life like it just happened yesterday.

With all due respect to my friend, forgiveness doesn't get easier. For me it has gotten harder, or even it's been the same, consistent struggle. Perhaps God is making it harder so that I must be reminded of how he forgave me first.

I feel that just as God allowed Satan to test Job and take everything away from him, he is letting Satan test me. The "father of Lies" is really, really good at making me feel like the world owes me something, that the one who betrayed me still needs to pay for what he/she has done. He is so good and making me forget that God is control and I'm not. He is good and doing everything in his power so that I don't forgive and that I don't move on. As my pastor once said, "movement is growth and growth is life. The only way to make true progress is with Christ." Satan doesn't want me to grow, he wants me to be stuck. He wants to blur my reality with a deceptive version of what I think my life should be, instead of relying on the reality of God's bigger more beautiful plan. God's best plan. He makes me question the integrity and character of God.

And when you do that, you move into a dangerous place. It's why we are in this predicament in the first place. It's why we are cursed to die. Adam and Eve believed in Satan's lies and made them question God.

So how do we move on and how do we forgive? I don't know the answer to that, but that we must continue to do it. We must move past the false reality that we think we know what is best. Maybe the answer lies in remembering and trusting. To forgive is to remember that Christ forgave us. To forgive is to trust in God's ultimate goodness and get past the sin of self absorption. To forgive is to be a better person, a better version of yourself than you ever thought was possible.

The most misinterpreted verse

Romans 8:28 - "And we know for those that love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Why is it that we often forget the last part of this verse? "For those who are called according to his purpose. " His purpose is often a mystery to me. We don't often understand nor know his purposes. In fact, I'd say it's almost impossible to really know his purpose. Then I read verses like this and then I think hmm.. maybe it is. "For who has understood the mind of the Lord as to instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ." 1 Corinthians 2:16. So in this same verse it says that we can't instruct him because we have not understood his mind. Then immediately following it says that we have his mind. Interesting. And if I no longer live, but Christ lives in me, wouldn't I have his mind?

It also says in Corinthians "These things God has revealed to us through the spirit. For the spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the spirit of God. Now we have received not the sprit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual."

Going back to the most misinterpreted verse, or at least one of them in my opinion. God works all things together for GOOD for THOSE WHO ARE called according to HIS PURPOSE.

1. What is good? We know that the definition of good is "that which is morally right" or is the benefit or advantage to someone or something. I'm also learning in "The Truth Project" that God in his nature defines the essence of good.

2. For those who are called according to his purpose - Who are those people who are called according to his purpose? Christians? Or is it just all people? I think here it's saying that if you love God you must believe and trust that all things will go according to His plan and purpose. And by definition, God himself is the essence of Good. The object to be desired is God himself. So in all circumstances, God would be pointing you to himself and he is Good. The ultimate to be desired. "In all things."

So my point is that we as believers must believe at all costs the Goodness of God, the very core of his existence. God created the heavens and the earth and called it good. Therefore, the creator must be the source of all good things and He often just gives us himself. When we struggle with the things of this world, we are momentarily forgetting that God gives us comprehension through the Spirit, not through the world.

As believers we must remember this.

We must be loyal to him and his goodness and his promises at all costs and in all circumstances. Because if we remember this, it will be all good. It is impossible not to be good.

When our purposes and God's purposes align like they should be, the outcome is irrelevant.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus and look full in his wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.

Did you know that hymn written by Helen Lemmel was inspired by a missionary named Lilias Trotter who wrote:

Turn your soul's vision to Jesus, and look and look at Him
and a strange dimness will come over all that is apart from Him.

Baby girl #2

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've blogged. I try to blog more often, but life gets in the way and I don't make time for it. 

To give a quick update: Micah and I are expecting girl #2 set to arrive this Friday! We are very excited about it and are on the final countdown! So many changes in the past several months. I changed jobs, Micah changed jobs within the government, and we have moved into the new piece of the house. We are still battling getting financing for it as the banks want to finance a standard, cookie cutter home and nothing unusual. All that gives me solace in this are the verses from James Chapter 1. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." 

God wants to test me. He loves me enough to test me. Perhaps without these tests of faith, we cannot grow nor can we actually experience the fullness of His love. As we appreciate the things that we have worked the hardest for in life.. so we should appreciate the trials. The trials are what define us. They separate the believer from the unbeliever. They define our faith, for without them it is impossible to know what faith actually is.. And faith is the assurance of things unseen. 

Baby #2

Me 8-months preggo! 

Cambelle's 2nd b-day party

Weeding out the Stickers

Lately, I've been obsessed with pulling sticker weeds out of my yard. I've been picking them up by the roots and we even treated for them. As you may now, they are native to Texas so these evil dudes come up despite our best efforts. :( Well, I thought I had been staying on top of them and pulling as I see them, but yesterday afternoon I saw a huge section of them that seemed to come out of nowhere. I was devastated. Micah asked me why I was so upset and all of my efforts were useless. I was about to give up when I realized the deeper meaning behind it. The stickers represent the bad things in our life that we must continually get rid of in order to make room for the good and beautiful things that spring up. And it's hard to keep going when we the easiest thing would be to give up and let the stickers keep growing. You let it slide and pretty soon your whole lawn is covered with them. But if we continue to work hard and rid our lives of all the weeds and crap that gets in it, how much more beautiful is the flower? So all of the hard work will be worth it in the end.

On a lighter note, I captured this photo of my daughter Cambelle this weekend in Marble Falls. It perfectly shows her personality. I'm amazed at how perfect and wonderful she is and that she is mine. God is so good.

too much time has passed - Baby arrival!

There have been so many things happening around Shulerville lately. My baby was due Mar 13, but she arrived Mar 6 due to her being a breech baby. My doctor suggested a c-section and I agreed because whatever gets her out safely is the number 1 goal! We had a very positive experience at the hospital and with the surgery. I was expecting a lot worse than what it actually was because of all the horror stories I heard. It really was no big deal. My scar is tiny and I have a beautiful baby to show for it! :) I had a feeling she might be different and doing her own thing in the womb if she was anything like me. Research says that most breech babies turn on their own (96%), but not mine. She was stubborn and difficult already!! LOL. A funny story that happened on the day of her birth. We were 5 min late because a tortilla truck turned over on 1604 freeway and caused a major traffic jam. True story!! Only in San Antonio!!! She arrived at 9:56 AM and weighed 7lbs, 11oz, and 20.5 inches. We named her Cambelle Allyn Shuler. We are so in love!!!

Life is what you make it.... Or is it?

Lately things have been a little stressful around here. I still don't have a job and I STILL live out in the country in the Shuler compound. I've been focusing so much on applying for jobs and trying to get interviews that it has consumed me. I've also been focusing on this human being growing inside me and I wonder what it's going to be like when she is born. Will I be a good mom? Will we be able to provide her a room of her own one day? Will I be able to handle my world being completely being turned upside down? Will my house ever be finished? Will I ever be happy out here in the country? So many questions.. yet so few answers.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing sight of this person I know myself to be. My world has already been turned upside down living here in the country. I NEVER in a million years dreamed I would be living out here with the scorpions and critters and 14 miles to the nearest grocery store. Everything is the opposite of what I wanted or envisioned for myself. I chose this man I love (or rather God chose him for me) and he came with a tractor, land, a family only .2 miles away from us. And I'm still figuring out how to be married and to fit in and deal with a life I never got to choose for myself. I know I could have chosen not to marry him, but I couldn't see my life without him. So really I had no choice.

I've been stressing about having no choice but to live out here with all of his family and never-ending projects they have and it has made me a little bitter. And my bitterness has turned to rage and my rage has turned to tears. And I struggle with this non-choice and with my life the way it has turned out. One time driving back into town from being gone for a weekend, I actually cried my eyes out when I saw the green sign reminding me I'm back in this town. I yelled out to God, "Is this REALLY MY LIFE?!"

People say that life is what you make of it. Sometimes I think life is NOT what you make of it. Life happens. Life is.....I know you have to make your choices, but what about the choices that make you or you never got to make? What about the choices you have tried to make and then realized God has made them for you??

What if we always spend so much time trying to make life happen and we miss out on the pain and the beauty and the lessons we learn along the way? I've been so focused on my sadness, loneliness, bitterness, and finding a job, that I can't see anything else. I'm so focused on my future that I can't look at the present and realize that every day is a gift.

But I do look forward to the day where I can look back at all this and say, "Remember when I was so miserable that I almost missed out on that really awesome thing that happened?!"

House Update and Big News

It's been forever since I've posted anything on here. I'm not sure anyone is out there and listening to what is going on the Shuler house. BUT, it's fun to post on here nevertheless. :) I've been finding myself with quite a bit of free time lately. I lost my job a few weeks ago. My company cut the marketing department (which was just me.). I had a feeling that something was going on and they were struggling financially, but I just thought I would have more time to find something else. It came as quite a bit of a shock to me. But all things happen for a reason and I have faith that there is an even better job out there for me. 

We haven't worked much on the house lately. The only thing we have done recently is varnish the cabinets for a second time.  Oh, and we also got more doors made and had our blacksplash installed. It turned out really well! Here are a few pics.

The Big News is that we are expecting! Our baby is due March 13th and we couldn't be happier! We are scared and excited at the same time. Luna is excited to have a big brother or sister. We find out the sex of the baby Oct. 14th. We are counting down the days!