The worst and best day ever

September 18, 2012, will go down in history as the most painful day of my life, ever! I don't mean emotional pain, I mean physical pain.

My coworkers sent me this edible arrangement! Aren't they sweet?!!!

It all started two weeks ago when I got a little cramp in my left side of my abdomen. I took an aleve and took a small nap. The pain was gone. Then I woke up the day before labor day in the middle of the night with the pain again, but worse. It lasted all throughout the night, and then I had Micah take me to the doctor first thing in the morning when the office opened.

It turns out that I had a huge cyst (softball size) in my ovary, or somewhere in that general area although they didn't know where exactly it was.At that point the pain subsided. They scheduled for me to come in and look at it one more time and then they would decide if they needed to do surgery to remove. Sometimes these cysts go away on their own.

Sometimes they do, but not mine! So the decision was made to go into surgery on Friday (a week from that day).

I didn't make it to Friday. Tuesday morning at 4 a.m. I was woken by that too familiar pain in my left side again, this time there was no relief. Micah took me to the doctor and they decided to take it out that day because I was in so much pain. I have never, ever felt anything like that. It felt like someone was burning me on the inside while taking a knife and digging it into me and twisting it around to hurt even more.

I think I told Micah to please find a gun and put me out of my misery a few times!! I know I'm dramatic but this pain was unbearable and for moments I thought I was dying.

At 5:00 that afternoon, I was finally able to have my surgery. PTL! (Praise the Lord!) It turns out that the cyst was twisted around my fallopian tube thus causing the huge amount of pain that it did. It also started to bleed.

I later found out that the doctor had to remove my tube because the cyst cut off the blood supply to it, leaving it lifeless and non-functioning. The good news was that if I had to lose anything, this was the best thing to lose. I was almost certain I would lose an ovary, but they were both in great shape. And the better news is that I can still have children with only one tube. That one tube will take over and serve both ovaries.

I think it's amazing that I can still have children and that God so fabulously designed my body to be able to do this. I look back at all of this and I realize just how special I am. Maybe God was removing that tube knowing that I would have problems with that in the future or something more serious would come happen as a result of that bad tube.

And he knows the big picture, despite that I may forget this time and time again. I don't understand why at 32 I have already had 2 major female surgeries. It's easy to think, "why me, Lord?" Why can't I just be normal?!!! Those were my cries 2 weeks ago.

Now I'm just grateful that I can still have children and that God created me unique and special, just the way I'd rather be!!

Relationships are complicated

 

The human relationship has to be THE MOST complicated thing on earth. I know God designed us to be together and have relationships with each other, but sometimes I stop and wonder why it has to be so difficult. 

I know that the portion of our brain that controls emotions is not the same part of the brain that controls speech. Alas this is why we cannot explain our emotions very well. 

But I want to explain them because it does give me comfort to understand why it works the way it does.. but so many things like beauty, truth and the complexity of relationships are inexplicable. 

I had a very difficult phone discussion last night. Without getting into details too much, I felt confused, sad, upset, hurt, and even slightly angry after the conversation ended. 

I was trying to explain a miscommunication I had with this person and we each defended our actions and words that were misunderstood. A very simple miscommunication that turned into a very complex one. And the more we talked, the more complicated it became. 

I cannot control the way this person feels or reacts when I say something, but I can control what I say. However, this is a very uncomfortable feeling.. carefully selecting my words as I would the perfect ingredients to a sweet, delicious pie. How can I make this sound sweeter and easier to swallow?

I'm not intending to sugar coat anything, but I am carefully and delicately choosing my words to their sensitive ears. 

But all of this consideration leaves me exhausted and not wanting to communicate at all with this person at times. After so many misunderstandings, is there a point where you just resign? 

As a sensitive person I can speak to this..And I strive to consider the feelings of others to the point where it hurts only myself. 

Why can't we be real with each other even if it hurts? 

House Update

I've been away for a couple weeks, but I wanted to hop on and share with you the most recent pictures of our house. It's looking more and more like a house each day! I'm getting more and more excited with each passing day.. although there is still much to do.

I really think I'm going to like it here. I can't wait to get out of the traffic and into a slower pace of life..

Finally a shot without all the scaffolds!

Back corner of the house. 

It's getting there!

A different angle to the backside.

Micah and his brother bought this dump truck! Can you believe that Emily Robinson of the Dixie Chicks owned this?!

My final decision

It's been on my mind for a while now and I've reached a final decision. I've thought about it long and hard and I just can't understand it and I've cried too many tears because of it. I've finally decided I'm no longer eating any pork. Since I was a kid I used to collect pigs because I thought they were cute. 

I still think they are cute. 

I saw a photo from the Humane Society's Web site about a pig farm inspection. I cried my eyes out and by the time I was done I had huge circles under my eyes..My eyes are still stinging from the pain. There are some things I was not designed to see and this was one of them. The slide show said that these images might be disturbing for some.. and like a masochist, I looked.  

I saw pigs jammed in tiny crates and they had sores from not being able to turn around. I saw piglets who right after being born had died because the mother couldn't reach them. I saw some piglets who had fallen in between the small crack after birth and had hung itself not being able to get up. They were left for days on end like this. 

They also had testimonies from some of the workers at the farm who said they castrated the pigs soon after birth and threw their testicles at each other and fed them to the mother pig, "just for fun." And they laughed. And so they are so evil that I won't dignify their actions any further by continuing to talk about it. This is sheer evil. This is wrong. My mind cannot comprehend such evil. I don't want to live in a world this evil!! 

You don't believe me; you can check it out here: http://slideshows.humanesociety.org/index/gallery/6/album/142#id=album-142&num=content-2668

What have we become as a society? When was this EVER OKAY? 

God gave us dominion over animals, but he did not give us dominion to treat them so cruelly. And this is all because we are so greedy because we have to eat our bacon and our sausage that we would turn our eyes to all of this??!!!! When is this ever okay????

What have we become??

Surely God did not intend for us to be this way to our animals. And I know what you are thinking.. He did not intend for us to be this way to each other.. We kill each other as humans. And this is wrong and terrible and extremely evil. But, at least the human had an iota of a chance at defending itself.

An old blog entry

I came across this old blog entry and I had to repost. I enjoy looking back at old posts from time to time to see what has changed and to see how much I've grown, how far I've come.. etc. It was bittersweet to see what I went through and reflect on the journey that brought me to where I am today.

I am happier than ever before. I find myself singing outburts of random songs throughout the day. (which to those who know me well, this isn't unusual) It's just been a lot more so lately. That's when I'm the happiest and everything is in a harmonious balance. This song just bursted out of my lips and I haven't heard it in forever:

"Praise God, from whom all blessings flow; praise him, all creatures here below;
praise him above, ye heavenly host;
praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost."

Maybe when this happens, it's when I'm most in tune with God. And he whispers love songs to me and I can't contain my joy...I have to sing it!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this post about running and going through trials in life. Funny thing is that I don't really run anymore.. except for on treadmills. However, I still remember very clearly what I felt like on that day..and the lessons I learned from so much heartache.

Running the 20-miler

Today I finally crossed the mental and physical threshold after training since the end of May. Even after getting hardly any sleep, I had the best run ever! I arrived a little later than usual--6:05. I usually get there about 5:45 and we start running after announcements and awards. Every week we dedicate our practice to an "honored hero" who is battling cancer or has battled cancer and has lost the fight. It is really inspiring and makes running a little easier knowing you are really making a difference in these people's lives. Well, when I arrived, I immediately had to go to the bathroom. I think the nerves were getting to me because I've never run 20 miles before. But overall I was feeling great and ready for the run. When I made my way over to my training group, they told me I had won the "spirit bib" for the week and I had missed it! The trainers had announced it when I was in the bathroom! The spirit bib is given to an individual who shows the most spirit and enthusiasm during the week. I was really excited to win it and it gave me a much needed confidence and motivation for that day.
When we started, I felt ready and excited for the run. The run was a little dark at first, but then we were able to see the beautiful scenery. I never knew the beautiful parts of San Antonio tucked away in the old neighborhoods of Lincoln and Alamo Heights. Even the name sounds so Continental.
When we crossed Olmos Dam and reached Alamo Heights, I had reached a part of myself I never knew I had. It was as if I was another person looking down on my body and I watched in amazement at how well I was running! And I had struggled the entire season to keep up with my team and not feel so winded and tired!
I had the most horrible week at work and in a way I had reached the end of myself with all of the drama and rejection I've been experiencing for some time. It had been building up, and Tuesday at work I found myself at the stairwell and the tears just started flowing. I prayed asking God to please rescue me from all of this and to some how give me the strength to go on. It has been this way for at least 6 or 7 months; trial after trial, test after test.
And today I found a strength and a peace while running. I had this burst of energy and speed at around 4 miles into the run and it lasted the entire 20 miles! My running mates were calling me the dangling carrot that they were trying to reach, but never could. I smoked them!!

It was as if God was coaching me and cheering me on the entire time, anointing my feet with speed and my body with endurance! And in all this, I had an ephiphanous and triumphant moment. Even in the most difficult times in my life when I keep facing trial after trial and hardship after hardship, He is with me. He is the strength I need and He is my rock. He keeps me going when I feel I can't go on. He keeps me moving when I have no strength to move or no where to move to. He keeps me singing when I cannot find my voice. He sustains me in spite of my circumstances and constant rejection. He keeps telling me to persist and finish the race. And most importantly, he keeps me running! He keeps me running towards the goal, not away from my problems.. but into his arms, and to a strength like never before.

SDA

working on the house

Micah and I have been working so hard on our house. I never imagined how difficult it would be..not so much the hard work, but my attitude in general about the location of it. ..

I've never considered moving out into the country, but since I married a man who loves being away from the city.. here I am. I'm in this world where sometimes I don't feel like I belong. Ever since I was little, I screamed bloody murder at the sight of bugs.. and at 32, I must admit it hasn't changed. This is just who I am. I can't change that just because I have a husband now. So, this has been my dilemma.. How does a city girl at heart be a country gal? God did not make me to be ok with nasty little insects..! I dream in puppies and rainbows and butterflies - not scorpians and spiders and hornets!

Here are some photos of this new life I'm embarking on

The Spiritual World

Micah and I had a great discussion about the spiritual world versus the physical world a couple of nights ago. We spoke about whether or not we are living in a spiritual world or a physical world. An old Sunday school teacher once said, "The spiritual world is the real world."

What does that mean "the real world?" I guess that would imply the real world is something we cannot see because we cannot see the spiritual world.

The bible verse we pondered aloud was this: "By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things which are visible." Heb 11:3. New American Standard Version.

For some reason I have to read this verson a dozen times or more to comprehend it. So if God created this world by His Word, something intangible, to create the physical world..does that mean that all things were there but we couldn't see them until He made it so?

This second translation is a little more clear.

By faith we understand that the world was framed by the word of God; that from invisible things visible things might be made.

Does this give us proof that the real world is spiritual then? Moreover, what is unseen is just as real as what is seen and it is in fact more real because it was there all along? (until God breathed life into what was unseen to make it seen)

I start pondering all that is around me that I can't see. What does it look like and why can't I see it? I imagine the unseen like it's a magical world I cannot touch. What do the angels look like? What do all the demons look like (that's a scary thought) Or is it? Are they just ordinary people who made ordinary mistakes? What is it that makes them demonic?

Lord, these are just one of the many questions I have for you when I see you face to face? Why is it there is so much I don't know.. and why is it that the more I learn the less I know?

I remember watching one of the Chronicles of Naria movies and I think it was Aslan who said, "Seeing is Believing."

Here is exerpt of a blogger who I follow:

Mark Batterson, in his book Primal, writes about a fascinating study that was done a few years ago. It involved a group of Mexican people who had never been to America and a group of Americans who had never been to Mexico. The researchers gave both groups basically a ViewFinder, it was a machine they could look through that had two different images.

One image was a Mexican Bull-Fighter, it was directed at the right eye. And the other image was an American Baseball game, it was directed at the left eye. And the results were fascinating.

Because both images were shown at the same time the test subjects had to focus in on one or the other. They couldn’t focus on both simultaneously. And the Americans saw the Baseball game, the Mexicans saw the Bullfighter.

They saw what they wanted to see.

Actually, I think you could argue that they saw what they had been preconditioned for, or had categories to see.


This is interesting food for thought!!