The Saddest Valentine's Day

Today was the worst Valentine's Day ever. I will now forever have a painful reminder that this was the day I lost my most beautiful, precious girl - Luna Bella De la Joya Allen Shuler (Luna Belle). I remember the day I got her when I was about 27. I had just gone through a terrible breakup and I decided I needed a dog. I have been a dog lover for just about as long as I can remember. I drove to Godly, Texas from Brownwood because there were some schnauzer puppies for sale.

I met my Aunt Nonnie and cousin Savannah in Brownwood and we drove my PawPaw's red truck there. When I saw the puppy, he wanted nothing to do with me and I was devastated. So we drove back to my grandmother's house, and I just thought I wouldn't be getting a dog yet.

Savannah happened to see an ad in the paper where they had mini-schnauzers for sale in Lake Brownwood. We made a trip to this lady's house and she had two schnauzers left. One was all white and had cropped ears (Luna) and the other was a chocolate brown color, but he was very chill. I felt an instant bond with Luna and she came right up to me and licked me - it was a match made in heaven. When I went to the truck to get my checkbook, she cried for me. I remember putting her in a kennel in the backseat. She was stunning with her cropped ears and her beautiful white fur. Her favorite place was sitting on my lap, or taking a walk with me, or just following me around everywhere. 

She was a stunner, a head turner. Everywhere we went people would want to pet her and just marvel at her beauty. That was my Luna. She was my soul mate, my best friend for (almost) 12 years. She was made just for me. 

I remember when I was training for my marathon. She would run with me for about 3 miles and I would take her back to our apartment for fear that she would overheat. It was funny because it was actually me who had my first overheating experience and I remember coming back home and throwing up from the heat exhaustion. 

When I was crate training her, she destroyed my running watch and ate the band. I got so mad at her that I smacked her and put her in her kennel. Oddly enough, I never remember her getting mad at me. I was a bad parent sometimes. I didn't deserve her. 

We would go on long walks together on the weekends and it seems like I could never spend enough time with her. During the work week, I worked a demanding job and there were days when she held her pee for up to 12 hours at a time. She was amazing. 

There was one time when I got dumped. I held her and just cried and cried and she would lick my tears away. She was my constant companion and was always there for me. When I lost my first job and my second job, she was there. When I fell in love and got married, she was there. When I had my first human baby, she was there. It was almost like she thought Cambelle was her baby. And she protected her and would bark at her (and later with my second girl - PIppyn) when she would run around the house. I think she was trying to help me be a mom because she could see me struggling with them. She was a better mom than I am. 

As I reflect on those amazing times with her and moving on to the next chapter in my life, I'm angry and sad because I want her in this next chapter.  The most difficult time is at night when I go to bed and look at the empty bed where she used to lie. There are so many other hard times: when I drop a piece of food on the floor and she isn't there to eat it, when I hurry home to let her out for potty time, and when we go to the cemetery for our long walks and I turn around to call for her and she isn't there. Sometimes I just yell and scream and then cry again and tell God that I want her back. My new normal is just not right. 

As I watched her struggling to breathe at the vet, I wished I had time to tell her how wonderful she was and how proud I was of her, how much I loved her. I took her in because she had developed a slight cough over the past week. It was only a few times at night and she didn't seem to be suffering. I brought her in because I remembered that she had a slight heart murmur and a cough was a sign it might be getting worse. She had a teeth cleaning schedule for that same week. As the vet checked her out, he noticed that her murmur was much worse, but he needed to get an x-ray to see if the heart had become enlarged. Often times that happens if the heart isn't working properly. Turns out, her heart was really, really enlarged. Everything that happened when she came out of the x-ray room was a blur. The technician said, "she is having a rough time," or something like that; I can't remember. The vet checked her heart and she was lifting up her head trying to breathe. They gave her oxygen for a bit - it didn't seem long enough. Then after that, she was still struggling. I've never seen her look like that. Ever. One of her eyes was rolling back in her head like she was losing consciousness. He asked me if she had ever had a seizure and I said no, is she having one? He said that he thought she just couldn't breathe. She was starting to lose oxygen and I just knew in my heart that she would die soon. 

And then I watched as he tried to revive her heart as he injected her heart with epinephrine and breathed into her mouth. It didn't work. She was gone. Just like that. We had almost 12 amazing years together and in an instant she was gone. I crumbled to the ground and sobbed; I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know how I was going to live without her. Sometimes I still don't know how I'm going to go on. And God reminds me to keep my eyes on Him. Isaiah 26:3 - You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." That is what I must keep doing. I just have to trust in my God who knows me and loves me better than I know and love myself. I have to keep my eyes locked on Him. 

Through this pain and heartache I know that this love I felt for Luna is what I'm living for. It's just a small fraction of the love that God has for me - his child. Relationships hurt, love hurts, but most of all it's the love that sets us free. Is love without pain and heartache really love? I know it's better to have loved and lost - the pain is justified through the beauty in the relationship. The tears are justified. The life is justified. Luna's life is justified. Therefore, true love does not exist without this pain because through pain, it's redeemed. Just like God's love for us was redeemed on the cross. The almost 12 years I had on earth with Luna is just a small iota of the immense love we will experience when our joy is made full. And for that, I'll keep Loving, keep going, keep looking for that which sets me free, that which justifies my existence here on earth. 

Love is complicated. Grief hurts and grief sucks. It stings. It pierces the heart of everyone. Like the Everly Brothers so famously sang, "Love hurts, love scars, love wounds." But one thing I'm sure of is that there is no greater joy that comes from loving. God is still good - ALL THE TIME. Thank you Lord for my sweet, treasured Luna B. She was perfect and she was mine - for an amazing 12 years.

Luna Bella de la Joya Allen Shuler - born May 18, 2007 - went to her eternal home February 14, 2019. 

Forgiveness

This is something I've been struggling with for several years now. I've learned that forgiveness is something that you never really fully understand, and once you think you have mastered it..it masters you and then you are wrestling with your emotions all over again. Saying you forgive someone is the easier than the actual process.

One reason I forgive

Several years ago I learned something about one of my family members that rocked me to the core. I went through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, sadness and then acceptance (although I'm still working on that last part). I didn't understand how I would ever be able to forgive in this situation. My inability to forgive took a tole on my relationships. I lashed out at my husband and daughter and became a version of myself that I did not recognize. I'd like to say it was my hormones and postpartum depression. But I knew deep down that it was the
internal struggle of forgiveness and my inability to control the world I once knew crashing down on me.

I've always had a strong sense of self, but in this stage of life I have never been more ashamed of myself and who I was becoming. I was saying hateful things to the people I loved. I hit inanimate objects. I even threw a protein shake at my husband.

God taught me quite a bit during this time though and gave me a support system that allowed me to keep my head above water. I got more involved in my church and Sunday School group and I was able to express some of my feelings and learn that several people were struggling with forgiveness too. One guy in the class said something that really spoke to me. He said, "I must continue to forgive; each day it gets easier."

Then I realized that God has forgiven me and has forgiven that person already, so what is my excuse? "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." Colossians 3:12-14.

Fast forward to present time. I'm STILL struggling with forgiveness. Just when I think I've moved forward and moved on, I get a reminder and see a reminder that it's still fresh and the wound is still not completely healed.

I've prayed several times for God to remove that from me so I can completely heal.. but he doesn't. For whatever his reasoning is, it's still there and it still pops up in my life like it just happened yesterday.

With all due respect to my friend, forgiveness doesn't get easier. For me it has gotten harder, or even it's been the same, consistent struggle. Perhaps God is making it harder so that I must be reminded of how he forgave me first.

I feel that just as God allowed Satan to test Job and take everything away from him, he is letting Satan test me. The "father of Lies" is really, really good at making me feel like the world owes me something, that the one who betrayed me still needs to pay for what he/she has done. He is so good and making me forget that God is control and I'm not. He is good and doing everything in his power so that I don't forgive and that I don't move on. As my pastor once said, "movement is growth and growth is life. The only way to make true progress is with Christ." Satan doesn't want me to grow, he wants me to be stuck. He wants to blur my reality with a deceptive version of what I think my life should be, instead of relying on the reality of God's bigger more beautiful plan. God's best plan. He makes me question the integrity and character of God.

And when you do that, you move into a dangerous place. It's why we are in this predicament in the first place. It's why we are cursed to die. Adam and Eve believed in Satan's lies and made them question God.

So how do we move on and how do we forgive? I don't know the answer to that, but that we must continue to do it. We must move past the false reality that we think we know what is best. Maybe the answer lies in remembering and trusting. To forgive is to remember that Christ forgave us. To forgive is to trust in God's ultimate goodness and get past the sin of self absorption. To forgive is to be a better person, a better version of yourself than you ever thought was possible.

The most misinterpreted verse

Romans 8:28 - "And we know for those that love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Why is it that we often forget the last part of this verse? "For those who are called according to his purpose. " His purpose is often a mystery to me. We don't often understand nor know his purposes. In fact, I'd say it's almost impossible to really know his purpose. Then I read verses like this and then I think hmm.. maybe it is. "For who has understood the mind of the Lord as to instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ." 1 Corinthians 2:16. So in this same verse it says that we can't instruct him because we have not understood his mind. Then immediately following it says that we have his mind. Interesting. And if I no longer live, but Christ lives in me, wouldn't I have his mind?

It also says in Corinthians "These things God has revealed to us through the spirit. For the spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the spirit of God. Now we have received not the sprit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual."

Going back to the most misinterpreted verse, or at least one of them in my opinion. God works all things together for GOOD for THOSE WHO ARE called according to HIS PURPOSE.

1. What is good? We know that the definition of good is "that which is morally right" or is the benefit or advantage to someone or something. I'm also learning in "The Truth Project" that God in his nature defines the essence of good.

2. For those who are called according to his purpose - Who are those people who are called according to his purpose? Christians? Or is it just all people? I think here it's saying that if you love God you must believe and trust that all things will go according to His plan and purpose. And by definition, God himself is the essence of Good. The object to be desired is God himself. So in all circumstances, God would be pointing you to himself and he is Good. The ultimate to be desired. "In all things."

So my point is that we as believers must believe at all costs the Goodness of God, the very core of his existence. God created the heavens and the earth and called it good. Therefore, the creator must be the source of all good things and He often just gives us himself. When we struggle with the things of this world, we are momentarily forgetting that God gives us comprehension through the Spirit, not through the world.

As believers we must remember this.

We must be loyal to him and his goodness and his promises at all costs and in all circumstances. Because if we remember this, it will be all good. It is impossible not to be good.

When our purposes and God's purposes align like they should be, the outcome is irrelevant.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus and look full in his wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.

Did you know that hymn written by Helen Lemmel was inspired by a missionary named Lilias Trotter who wrote:

Turn your soul's vision to Jesus, and look and look at Him
and a strange dimness will come over all that is apart from Him.

Baby girl #2

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've blogged. I try to blog more often, but life gets in the way and I don't make time for it. 

To give a quick update: Micah and I are expecting girl #2 set to arrive this Friday! We are very excited about it and are on the final countdown! So many changes in the past several months. I changed jobs, Micah changed jobs within the government, and we have moved into the new piece of the house. We are still battling getting financing for it as the banks want to finance a standard, cookie cutter home and nothing unusual. All that gives me solace in this are the verses from James Chapter 1. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." 

God wants to test me. He loves me enough to test me. Perhaps without these tests of faith, we cannot grow nor can we actually experience the fullness of His love. As we appreciate the things that we have worked the hardest for in life.. so we should appreciate the trials. The trials are what define us. They separate the believer from the unbeliever. They define our faith, for without them it is impossible to know what faith actually is.. And faith is the assurance of things unseen. 

Baby #2

Me 8-months preggo! 

Cambelle's 2nd b-day party

Weeding out the Stickers

Lately, I've been obsessed with pulling sticker weeds out of my yard. I've been picking them up by the roots and we even treated for them. As you may now, they are native to Texas so these evil dudes come up despite our best efforts. :( Well, I thought I had been staying on top of them and pulling as I see them, but yesterday afternoon I saw a huge section of them that seemed to come out of nowhere. I was devastated. Micah asked me why I was so upset and all of my efforts were useless. I was about to give up when I realized the deeper meaning behind it. The stickers represent the bad things in our life that we must continually get rid of in order to make room for the good and beautiful things that spring up. And it's hard to keep going when we the easiest thing would be to give up and let the stickers keep growing. You let it slide and pretty soon your whole lawn is covered with them. But if we continue to work hard and rid our lives of all the weeds and crap that gets in it, how much more beautiful is the flower? So all of the hard work will be worth it in the end.

On a lighter note, I captured this photo of my daughter Cambelle this weekend in Marble Falls. It perfectly shows her personality. I'm amazed at how perfect and wonderful she is and that she is mine. God is so good.

too much time has passed - Baby arrival!

There have been so many things happening around Shulerville lately. My baby was due Mar 13, but she arrived Mar 6 due to her being a breech baby. My doctor suggested a c-section and I agreed because whatever gets her out safely is the number 1 goal! We had a very positive experience at the hospital and with the surgery. I was expecting a lot worse than what it actually was because of all the horror stories I heard. It really was no big deal. My scar is tiny and I have a beautiful baby to show for it! :) I had a feeling she might be different and doing her own thing in the womb if she was anything like me. Research says that most breech babies turn on their own (96%), but not mine. She was stubborn and difficult already!! LOL. A funny story that happened on the day of her birth. We were 5 min late because a tortilla truck turned over on 1604 freeway and caused a major traffic jam. True story!! Only in San Antonio!!! She arrived at 9:56 AM and weighed 7lbs, 11oz, and 20.5 inches. We named her Cambelle Allyn Shuler. We are so in love!!!

Life is what you make it.... Or is it?

Lately things have been a little stressful around here. I still don't have a job and I STILL live out in the country in the Shuler compound. I've been focusing so much on applying for jobs and trying to get interviews that it has consumed me. I've also been focusing on this human being growing inside me and I wonder what it's going to be like when she is born. Will I be a good mom? Will we be able to provide her a room of her own one day? Will I be able to handle my world being completely being turned upside down? Will my house ever be finished? Will I ever be happy out here in the country? So many questions.. yet so few answers.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing sight of this person I know myself to be. My world has already been turned upside down living here in the country. I NEVER in a million years dreamed I would be living out here with the scorpions and critters and 14 miles to the nearest grocery store. Everything is the opposite of what I wanted or envisioned for myself. I chose this man I love (or rather God chose him for me) and he came with a tractor, land, a family only .2 miles away from us. And I'm still figuring out how to be married and to fit in and deal with a life I never got to choose for myself. I know I could have chosen not to marry him, but I couldn't see my life without him. So really I had no choice.

I've been stressing about having no choice but to live out here with all of his family and never-ending projects they have and it has made me a little bitter. And my bitterness has turned to rage and my rage has turned to tears. And I struggle with this non-choice and with my life the way it has turned out. One time driving back into town from being gone for a weekend, I actually cried my eyes out when I saw the green sign reminding me I'm back in this town. I yelled out to God, "Is this REALLY MY LIFE?!"

People say that life is what you make of it. Sometimes I think life is NOT what you make of it. Life happens. Life is.....I know you have to make your choices, but what about the choices that make you or you never got to make? What about the choices you have tried to make and then realized God has made them for you??

What if we always spend so much time trying to make life happen and we miss out on the pain and the beauty and the lessons we learn along the way? I've been so focused on my sadness, loneliness, bitterness, and finding a job, that I can't see anything else. I'm so focused on my future that I can't look at the present and realize that every day is a gift.

But I do look forward to the day where I can look back at all this and say, "Remember when I was so miserable that I almost missed out on that really awesome thing that happened?!"